I didn't shave. On purpose
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
