She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
