I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i dont even know how to be here
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
