My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
