you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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