well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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