I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
