I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just gargled with NyQuil
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
