I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
