this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Randomize
