I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
farters have to be the big spoon...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
