so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
