when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The Olympian is in my bed
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
