Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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