Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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