what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
