My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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