Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
