I just made out with a guy for $7.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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