1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
