I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
