A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
