I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
