its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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