Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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