ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
