i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
