everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
