I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
