shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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