my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
