In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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