Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
