Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
