i already hear my dad disowning me
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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