just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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