how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
