Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
