I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
