you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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