Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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