my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
this boner is exhausting
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize