I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
