what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
