I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
