Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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