What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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