dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
