did you get engaged???
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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