It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
