Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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