im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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