Jerry, you need to find god
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
